Reaching Out to DNA Matches: Better Than I Expected

I've typically added DNA matches "organically" as I happened to come across them. But lately, I've been on a slow mission to start adding DNA matches shown by ancestor in Ancestry's ThruLines®. I've come to realize, if I'm ever going to break down brick walls, I'm going to need to cast a wider net and build out some of these lines. Reading blog posts by those who do this regularly helps. Their stories and successes inspire me to put in the effort. 

While ThruLines® is only as accurate as the trees the information is derived from (sometimes questionable at best), thus far they've been fairly accurate for me. I'm only up to my 2nd great-grandparents on this project though. I suspect the farther back I go, the less reliable they'll become. But DNA doesn't lie. As long as we're above the 6cM threshold, where it becomes very important to watch out for false positives, we're likely related in one way or another (maybe even more than one!) 

Below the 6cM threshold, matches may still be very distantly related (called identity by descent) or they may not be related at all (called related by state). Identity by state means while there is a match at a specific DNA location, it's simply chance. It can be hard to know the difference when the match is so small. 

• 6cM-15cM generally share a common ancestor 5-8 generations back
• 4cM-6cM take time to look at shared matches if you're really trying to break down brick walls in this range. If you have some, you'll probably need to build out their trees to find the connection 
• at 2cM-4cM there's a 67% chance you're not related
• below 2cM 70-99% will be unrelated

This week, I've linked 14 DNA matches to my tree! I know there are some researchers who can add 100 or more in a month. I'm not so quick and I'm happy at a much slower pace. I don't want to end up with a tree full of names and no records to back them up. I also want to balance my time so I continue to research those already in my tree. 

Despite the age of technology we live in, some of the younger generations (those in their 20's or 30's) have a surprisingly small digital footprint when it comes to online records. Not only can it be hard to identify them specifically, it can be challenging to find the missing generations between them and my known ancestors to build the lines of descent. I do try to figure out connections on my own before reaching out. Public records and social media have provided some decent results, however, after several days of trying, I just wasn't finding a few of the connections I wanted to this week - so I reached out to four DNA matches (or those who manage their DNA) to see if they could help me fill in my blanks. 

Messaging DNA matches is something I haven't done terribly often. This is probably because I see so many posts with frustrated users who reach out over and over and never get responses. I'm well aware people take DNA tests for various reasons, and they may or may not have an active interest in building a tree or connecting with relatives. Even those who do share an interest may be busy with life and simply don't log in often. It could simply be users are wary of chatting with someone they don't know.

I personally feel it's important to include enough information for the contact to discern the validity of the message and to verify I've identified actual people from their tree. In essence, I want to reassure them I'm genuinely researching and am asking for their help. I was careful to do the following in each message:

• introduce myself 
• explain the common ancestors from whom we descend
• state the connections I have found
• indicate the missing generations I'm looking for
• politely ask if they'd be willing to share the names of those missing links with me if they're comfortable doing so
• include a polite closing or thank them for taking the time to read

I don't use a template when I message. Each message is carefully and thoughtfully crafted. I am fully prepared some messages may never receive a response. Some people simply don't have a desire to connect. Some people are hesitant to take a DNA test in the first place, and they may or may not be comfortable sharing. They may also manage someone else's DNA and are hesitant to divulge someone else's data. And when I'm missing those "in between generations," perhaps they only have a placeholder in their tree and truly have nothing definite to add. There are a myriad of reasons someone might not respond. When I reach out, I'm doing so with the hopes I'll receive an answer, but I'm well aware no one owes me a response.

I've been quite pleasantly surprised with the results this week! Two of the four people I reached out to have already responded, and have been willing to share with me. I feel it's important to:

• acknowledge and thank them for their response (regardless of whether they provided information or simply responded they have none to share)
• let them know I've added the match to my tree (if applicable)
• offer my assistance if they ever want to collaborate 

In short, I try to make my interaction as pleasant as I can. And if they don't reply (or they have a negative response)? I do not send multiple messages demanding or begging for information. I simply sit back and hope when the time is right I may hear from them. Based on other people's experiences, I think a 50% response rate for one week is pretty darn good! 

One of the responders was able to provide the specific connection I needed. The other, not only provided the name I was looking for, but we struck up a conversation, shared information and have now connected on multiple sites and by email. I am beyond thrilled to have a new enthusiastic family researcher to correspond with! This contact has already provided me with new information I'll be checking out in the hopes it helps me expand several more generations back in another of my lines. I try to make an effort to stay in touch with those passionate about family research. Sometimes, I just reach out to wish them a happy holiday, share a new discovery, or bounce ideas around when I'm stumped. These connections mean a lot to me and collaborating is always beneficial.

If you're not already reaching out to DNA matches, it is well worth the time to do so when you've put in the effort and determined you're at an impasse. It should not be done as a way to avoid doing your own research. Especially for adoptees, who start in a much different place than those of us who have some of our family history, I'm sure the situation feels very different. But even in those cases, you can use both matches and shared matches to try to begin finding patterns. When you reach out, you may have some small but key details to smooth the way to a conversation. 

I truly believe the more information you can include in your DNA match messages, the more likely you are to get a positive response. Use messaging wisely and you just may be rewarded with the information you need. And you never know, the next message you send may be the one to break open a family mystery!

Disclosure: I used ChatGPT to help title this post and create the SEO description. All other content is my own.